My "partial30" diet in review

In my last post, I discussed my food goal to kick off 2019: a "partial30" diet based on the Whole 30 diet.  Dieting isn't about denying certain foods, but the focus should be on eating healthier, finding foods that provide nutrients and strengthen your body.  Although I was not super strict in the Whole 30 way, I was still making active choices to eat healthier.  I knew it would be rough, if not for the simple reason that  it was a mental game.  The moment I told myself I couldn't eat something (even if I didn't eat it regularly), I craved it.  Suddenly I was looking around my kitchen at all the foods I wasn't "allowed" to eat.  I read ingredient labels on packaged foods, and found foods that still fit into my modified diet.  I had originally said I wouldn't eat prepackaged foods.  But after reading labels, I decided it would be find as long as the food did not contain any preservatives.  Basically, prepackaged foods that were still made of whole, natural ingredients did not diminish my dieting purpose.

By far, the hardest part was going without processed sugars -- especially lattes!  The first week was the longest week because I was constantly thinking about food and searching foods that would satiate my sweet cravings.  It was also the week that I was most creative with my meal choices.  I was eating baked zucchini with tzatziki dip, baby carrots with hummus, and homemade salsa on scrambled eggs.  As a snacky person, I was constantly looking for snacks that would be healthy.  My go-to became dehydrated apples.  I read a report that said dried fruits aren't healthy, and I think that is true for prepackaged fruit.  However, there are absolutely no added sugars or other ingredients to dried apples -- they are just a different consistency.  Instead of being crunchy, they are chewy.


So how did I do??

• For being lactose intolerant, I surprisingly kept certain dairy products in my diet.  For the first half of the month, I allowed myself to eat a sprinkling of shredded cheese (usually on my skillets), then eventually cut it out completely.  I also allowed myself to have sour cream and yogurt.
• The prepackaged foods mentioned above that I could eat were: Juanita's tortilla chips, roasted cashews, beef/turkey jerky, and Smartfood popcorn. Notice that aside from eating a ton more fresh fruits and veggies, I still found ways to satiate my snack cravings.
• Sadly, I forgot garlic bread was bread (probably because I prepared the garlic spread from scratch), and ate a slice with lasagna one night.  I also ate pita bread during the first half of the month but cut it out after a couple weeks.  I thought it would be healthier than tortilla chips, but I never read the pita bread label.  I was wrong.  It was tasty, but contained more calories and preservatives than tortilla chips, so I did away with it. :(
• One positive result was that I ate a copious amount of fruit as I searched for fructose.  Again, this diet is such a mental game, and even though I wasn't hungry, I wanted to snack.  So to fill my stomach further, I ate fresh fruit, dried fruit, and fruit smoothies.
• Spinach became a daily green for me.  I love fresh spinach, and made a point to always keep it in stock in the fridge.  I know green veggies are super healthy, so I'm glad I made a point to include it whenever possible.  This is a habit I gladly intend to keep.
• I ended up eating a lot of carbs/starchy foods, the main culprits being white rice and fried potatoes.  While these were technically allowed in my diet, I know there was no reason to eat as much as I did.  One change I would make moving forward, would be to eat these foods on workout days so I am sure to burn off the carbohydrate energy.
• Sugar:  if you can't tell yet, I craved more sugar than I thought I consumed on a regular basis.  I don't necessarily have a sweet tooth (I rarely eat candy or soda, and steer clear from high-sugar fruit drinks), but my weakness when it comes to sweets are definitely lattes and pastries.  I am a bit embarrassed to say I would get coffee 3-4 times a week, using it as a "reward" for things like a hard sub day.  Although I always request half the syrup flavor, it still contained plenty of sugar.  And I love baking.  My latest treat is monkey bread.  This was a difficult month for me to watch others eat sugary treats or drink Starbucks, but I stuck to my guns and did not consume any of these myself.  I did eat yogurt, however, and that contains sweetener.
• Sauces:  I did not limit my sauces when preparing foods.  This includes: soy sauce, oyster sauce, fish sauce, chili sauce....you get the picture.  Some of these contain sugar.  Whatever.
• Eating at home every single day was different for me.  As a single person, I'm used to grabbing food on the go or eating out several times a week (whether that be for lunch or dinner.  But after preparing every single meal I ate (with the exception of the four VegOut salads I bought), I've gained a better appreciation for food and meal prep.  Sometimes it was annoying having to pack a lunch every day for work, but after a while I got used to it.  I am so glad that it saved me money too!  It's amazing how much my paycheck went into me eating out!

Final thoughts:
After eating sugar for the first time in a month yesterday, I know it's possible to go without it.  I went a little crazy: oatmeal bar with chocolate chips, Captain Crunch, a frappe, and cake/vanilla ice cream.  I did not eat all these at once! But I guess that doesn't matter.  It was too much.  I suffered for it.  I was jittery and awake until almost 1 am.  But I was too excited to eat it again.  Now I know better.  I plan to limit processed sugars to the days I work out so I know I'm using the energy up.

Although the flavored frappe was absolutely delicious, it was still so sweet (even with half the syrup!).  My original plan for treating myself to coffee twice a week may very well drop down to once a week.  I don't need it.  And I felt really guilty afterwards -- even though I later worked out for two hours as planned!

I've become so aware of fruit, that I'm making a conscious effort to continue incorporating it into my daily eating habits.  I've always been a fan of veggies, but now I'm making a point to eat even more.

Having a slice of toast, or having a sandwich won't kill me.  I'm glad I can eat bread again!

Eating out means I plan on cutting my portions in half.  I've decided every restaurant meal I buy should feed me twice.  And I want to remember to bring my own takeout container to save on waste.  I will also make a conscious effort to eat at home as much as possible.  It's a silly excuse to say I'm "treating myself".  I don't need to give in to my cravings every time, and should approach dining out like I do alcohol:  as a social affair.

Ultimately, my workout endurance increased, my energy level remained steady (rather than spiking and crashing), and I lost about 6-7 pounds.  I don't care too much about the scale, however, since I wasn't necessarily cutting the portions of my meals.

All in all, this was a wonderful experiment in restraint.  I did not curb my snacking habits -- in fact, I think they increased -- but I did find healthier alternatives to balance out some of my other runaway habits -- eating out, coffee, etc.

2019 Goals

I don't make resolutions.  They only leave me feeling defeated when I ultimately fail at my resolves.  So to soften the blow, I like setting goals instead.  So without further adieu here are my 2019 goals:

For the month of January, I will do a "partial 30" -- I looked into the whole 30 diet (knowing it'd only be for 30 days), and realized it wasn't a matter of capability, I simply refuse a diet that forbids rice.  That is the Asian staple, and I will eat it until I am physically incapable of the feat.  Here's my modified partial 30:

• No buying lattes for a month: this is to help me with both my sugar intake, and money outtake.  I don't have much of a sweet tooth, but I love froofy coffee, and this is probably my main source of sugar.
• No eating out: I am trying to cut out processed foods as much as possible, and it is much easier to regulate natural foods from processed foods when I'm making it myself at home.  Also, this is a way to curb my spending! *The only exception I make to this rule is salads.  If I eat out, I will only buy fresh veggie salads.
• Cut out processed foods as much as possible.  Notice that it is not an absolute.  I'm not going to go crazy reading labels, although I'll generally assume if it's prepackaged, it's processed.  I won't be cutting out pasta, almond milk, or yogurt.
• I'm lactose intolerant, so the amount of dairy products I consume is quite small.  However, I will cut out the tiny bit of cheese I eat, ice cream, cottage cheese, and probably butter.
• Cut out breads: if I don't have breads, I won't need butter.  This will also include other forms (bagels, pastries, garlic bread, etc.).  Notice that I am not cutting carbs out of my diet, just breads.

Due to a dinner party I'm attending, this diet will take affect on January 6 and go through February 6.

I will also be budgeting this year.  This is new to me.  I budgeted for a hot second my first month in Bangkok until I realized that I made plenty to cover my expenses, student loans, and savings.  However, this time, I will be recording all my expenditures and learning the growing pains of living within a budget.  A huge part of this is because I'll be moving to Athens for a year as a missionary and the money I raise must last me a year.  I'm truly hoping this turns into a habit that I carry into future years like second nature.

My last goal is to learn conversational Greek.  I know a handful of words, but it's difficult to string them into coherent sentences with a native Greek.  Hopefully this will become easier once I'm in Athens!

Alrighty, that's only three goals.  I hope by the end of this year, no matter how difficult these goals might be, that I can say I've accomplished them!

Who is Kendal?

These are just some creative musings I had one day as I toyed with a phrase.  I wanted to see how it could play out in any number of scenarios -- I only got to three, but it was fun playing with this mysterious girl called Kendal.

     Kendal stumbled forward with the unexpected weight, catching herself just before she truly fell. The extra bundle the overseer threw onto her frame nearly made her knees buckle.  But she silently gritted her teeth, sent a silent prayer heavenward, and continued down the sloping path. Loose pebbles skittered before her as she trudged the narrow trail, being careful not to stray too far to the right where the mountainside dropped at least a dozen feet.  She was starting to lose track of how many days she had been stuck on this mountain detail.  Her patience was running thin, and if the overseers made her pack any heavier, she was liable to do something they’d regret.

     A loose rock gave way under her feet and her knees ultimately gave out beneath her this time.  She drove the heels of her hands into the dirt to catch herself as the wooden frame strapped to her back propelled her awkwardly forward.

     "This is no time for a break!" A second overseer stomped toward her.

     She tried in vain to stand, but the weight of the frame made it impossible to find her balance.  Her knees screamed in pain as sharp pebbles dug into her skin.  Suddenly she felt the frame shift violently as was lifted into the air like a doll and set on her feet.

   "Now get back to work." The gruff voice of the man towering over her left no room for argument as he shoved her forward.

     She took a deep shuddering breath, gripped the pack hugging her shoulders, and forced one foot in front of the other.  It was only a matter of time before she would cease to be their pack mule.

     Kendal stumbled forward with the unexpected weight, catching herself just before she truly fell. The miniature man clinging to her back held a short blade to her throat.  In the span of a second she had to decide whether to rip the knife away and throw the man off her, or still beneath the sharp edge. She chose the latter.

     His weight did not shift; however, it wasn’t long before she felt his hot breath on her ear as he

rasped, “Do not move if you value your life.”

     “I value many things,” she said calmly, remaining frozen in place.  “Self-perseverance, however, is at the top of my priorities.  How can I help you?”

     “Where is the key?” She could smell his sour breath this time.

     “What key?”

     “I do not play games with my prey,” he threatened, moving the blade tight enough against her throat to draw a thin line of blood.

     Kendal winced, but remained impassive.  “Is that what I am?  Would you mind getting off my back?  This is getting uncomfortable.”

     The man only locked his knees more firmly in place above her hips and grunted.  “Give me the key or I will slit your throat.”

     “If you slit my throat, you’ll never find out where the key is,” she paused.  “It appears we’ve reached an impasse.”

     With one swift shift, she threw the stranger over her right shoulder, hurdling him into the ground, at the same time snatching the knife out of his hand and holding it over his throat.  His startled expression, as well as how he was gasping for breath, brought a smug smile to her lips.

     “Now, little sir, let’s try this one last time.  What key?”

    Kendal stumbled forward with the unexpected weight, catching herself just before she truly fell. James had hoped to knock her flat on her stomach, but she bent her knees to deal with the extra weight, shrugging him off.  She let out a raspy laugh even as he picked himself up and positioned himself to attack once more.

    “You’re doing much better than last week,” he grinned impishly.

    “Now that you’ve used the same method of attack four times, I’m expecting it.”  Her eyes were alight with triumph.  “You may be older, but I’m taller,” she threw his insecurity in his face.

    James’s eyes narrowed as he attacked head-on.  “I have a lower center of gravity.  Better for hand to hand combat.”  He lunged low.

    She dodged his attack easily and used his momentum to drive him facedown into the dirt, straddling him with her knees.  “Well?”

    James squirmed, but had no leverage.  All he could do was grunt in defeat.

    “Who’s the victor?”  She pressed down on his spine between his shoulder blades.

    “You’re the victor,” he let out a puff of air.

I know.

I know.

We use the phrase “I know” candidly, often times without realizing how flippant it sounds.  I know carries two implications: 1) that we were privy to prior knowledge, and 2) that we can commiserate in a shared experience; the “I’ve been through that too,” or “I feel the same way”.

But when I say “I know,” I mean neither of these things.  How could I possibly have experienced the heartbreak you have? How could I have known about this before you told me?  When I say “I know,” I don’t mean “I understand”.  How can I understand where you’re coming from if I’ve never experienced what you’re experienced? Or rather how can I understand when we disagree? When I truly don’t understand?

No, when I say “I know,” I mean I see that this matters to you, I see how much this burdens you, how hurt you are, how much heartbreak this is causing for you.  I may not KNOW, but I want to come along side you and tell you that you are not alone.  That I grieve when you grieve.  That seeing you in pain brings me pain.  That seeing you struggle causes my heart to ache.

I don’t mean to be flippant.

I don’t mean to tell you your struggles aren’t real.

I just mean that words are inadequate.

That I will stand by you when you feel deserted and alone, knowing that your struggles don’t scare me away, rather they draw me to you.  Because you were brave enough to open your heart enough for me to say,

I know.

Hermiston sunflower

*Editor's note: I wrote this after speaking with a dear friend last year; since then it can be applied to so many experiences I've shared with dear friends.  We live life together.  We go through heartbreak big and small.  But I know I can get through it all with you by my side.

A tale of two poems

Since I'm so terrible at keeping up a blog, I thought I'd publish something I didn't write.  These are the words of Maya Angelou's that I just discovered today -- yes just today -- and I can't believe I wasn't introduced to this poem sooner in life!  So without further adieu, here is Angelou's poem, "I Still Rise":

 I STILL RISE

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

I love this poem for it's earnestness and honesty.  I love the determination.  I love that the speaker addresses the ambiguous you.  While it's easy to see who she is writing to, I appreciate that it is not spiteful or bitter, but resolute.  The visual is beautiful, and the last three lines show the reader how determined she is to rise above challenges and obstacles.

This poem reminds me of another poem that came well before Angelou published this one, but it also deals with the theme of adversity -- however, the approach is different.  Take a look at Paul Dunbar's "We Wear the Mask".

WE WEAR THE MASK

WE wear the mask that grins and lies,
It hides our cheeks and shades our eyes,— 

This debt we pay to human guile;

With torn and bleeding hearts we smile,

And mouth with myriad subtleties.

Why should the world be over-wise,
In counting all our tears and sighs?
Nay, let them only see us, while
We wear the mask

We smile, but, O great Christ, our cries
To thee from tortured souls arise.
We sing, but oh the clay is vile
Beneath our feet, and long the mile;
But let the world dream otherwise,
We wear the mask!

This poem also deals with racial injustice from a bleaker standpoint.  The tongue-in-cheek frustration is very evident as the narrator doesn't see an end to the adversity that is being faced.  The fact that 'they' (we) feel a need to hide the true self behind a smile tears the narrator up inside.  The narrator is desperate to see a change but doesn't believe it will ever happen.  Yes, far more depressing than "I Will Rise," as Maya Angelou sees the animosity people show her, but sees it as a challenge to rise above.

I wish Maya and Paul could have met and compared notes.  That would have made for an excellent poem.

June 1-2: Weekend Blessings

Far too often God blesses me without me even being aware of it; caught up in my own self-absorbed ways, I find more to complain about than thank God for.

1.  I spent a great deal of my weekend finishing a classroom scrapbook.  I make one every year, (inspired by a friend who also made a scrapbook for her classes), but this year is different.  This year, I have truly grown attached to my students.  Don't get me wrong, I have enjoyed my 8th graders the last two years for various reasons.  But this year I haven't had to deal with some of the hurdles of the past years, namely behavior issues.  With that out of the way, it's freed up plenty of time for us to interact more and get to know each other.  We've laughed together, played games together, and teased each other incessantly.  These moments have endeared my students to me.  So as I hurriedly pasted the pictures into the book, I thought back to every moment and thanked God for these children who have filled my life.

2.  Earlier today, I had the bitter-sweet pleasure of attending a tea-party going away party for a friend of mine who I've grown to love here in Bangkok.  She is moving on to Mongolia to continue her missions' work as a consultant.  I admire her passion for people, her adventurous spirit, and her tenacity for social justice -- all qualities I wish I fully possessed.  But God has blessed me with her friendship these last couple years, and I am thankful.  I have so few friends that are outside the ICS community and she is one of them.  While I love my job and the people I work with, I sometimes feel like I might go insane if my entire life in Thailand is tied to my job and the people therein.  So it is a great relief to hang out with people who don't know my students or the unique life an international school affords.  This tea party gave me the respite I so desperately needed.  I was the only ICS teacher in attendance, and furthermore, I only knew two other people, besides the guest of honor.  Ordinarily, I tend to withdraw in groups like this where I don't know people, but this time God gave me a taste of my old social-butterfly ways and I eagerly - if not successfully - navigated small talk for three hours as I made new friends, and chatted up old ones, all without the slightest unease of talking to strangers.

3.  Tied closely to #2, I cannot talk about a going away party without mentioning the guest of honor.  Her name is Natasha (originally from the UK) and she has lived in Thailand for about as long as I have, working with World Vision.  Well, her job is taking her to Mongolia as a consultant after a 3-week holiday back in the UK.  She has truly been a blessing to my life for several reasons:  she adds a fresh/different perspective to my teachery life, she understands the crazy busy lifestyle that happens in Bangkok but is still up for an adventure, and of course, she has a cool accent. ;)  It is bitter sweet to send her off, but I am excited for what she's going to be doing in Mongolia and beyond.

4.  After the tea party, I made my way down the street to my favorite coffee place of all time, Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf, and walked in a completely empty shop.  This was awesome because it meant that I didn't have to wait in a line for soy chai, AND that I had my choice of seats.  Since I had grading to do, I wanted a comfortable chair with a view that adequately distracted me from my papers.  Yes, I'm not the most focused grader in the world.

5.  And what could distract me better than a traditional Indian wedding complete with the groom riding in on a horse, dancing in the streets, and hand-held drums and tambourines.  The sight would have been grander if I could see it better from my window.  Sadly, people kept blocking my view and I was too embarrassed to walk outside to observe the wedding first-hand since I'm not an actual guest.  So all this means is that I need to be invited to an Indian wedding...This was a first for me, but I sure hope it's not my last!

6.  The wedding eventually moved inside and I got through half my stack of papers before I gave up and decided to head out.  It was also 8pm on a Sunday in downtown Bangkok and I wanted to get to bed at a decent hour.  I had to go to Villa and chose the one down the street instead of the regular one I go to in Paradise, and I was blessed greatly for this small choice of venues!  At first I couldn't remember what I wanted to get at Villa, so I wandered through the aisles...and what did I find?  Cinnamon Toast Crunch!  The cereal I had been looking for since Christmas had finally popped up in a random store downtown.  I didn't even care that it was $7.25 -- I bought it on the spot.  But there were more treasures to be found hidden away.  My mom always told me to "look with your eyes; not with your mouth," and after going through the milk aisle twice and about ready to give up, I find one of three lone quarts of Silk vanilla soy milk.  This is the perfect companion to my favorite cereal. :)  On top of these two fantastic things, I came across the Ben & Jerry's freezer and Half Baked was buy one get one free!  Not a hard choice considering one pint alone costs $13.

GOD IS GOOD.  Even when I don't think about needing a 'break', He showers me with blessings in one weekend:  great food, great company, and a great view of a wedding.  Thank you Lord.  I just hope I am able to recognize more of Your blessings for what they truly are. <3 br="">

Dinner with Lissa round 2!

This simple recipe is several weeks old, but probably one of my favorite "new" things to make.  It's also fairly healthy!

Good meat can be hard to find in Thailand at a reasonable price, which is why I've adjusted much of my cooking to exclude beef, chicken, or fish; instead I like eating zesty veggies and carbs of all kinds--unashamedly I might add!

This time, my meal used avocado as the main ingredient:  Avocado-salsa bowls, open-faced egg-avocado sandwich, with tortilla chips on the side.  I got the idea for egg-avocado sandwiches (and simplified it) from here:  Egg and Avocado Sandwiches

Ingredients:

1 avocado, medium-large size

1 red tomato, large, diced

1/4 cup onion, chopped

1/8 cup yellow and red bell pepper, chopped

Cilantro finely chopped (to taste)

1 hard-boiled egg

Paprika (sprinkled to taste)

Bread of choice (I used Spinach sweet bread)

Tortilla chips

Avocado-salsa bowl and open-faced avocado-egg sandwich.

Directions:

• Cut avocado in half length-wise and remove the pit
• Carve a shallow bowl into both sides of the avocado and put the extra avocado in a small bowl
• Remove the shell of the boiled egg and dice egg before placing with the extra avocado
• Mash together the avocado with the egg and set aside
• Combine the tomato, onion, bell peppers, and cilantro in bowl to make the salsa
• Scoop the salsa into the avocado 'bowls'
• Place the avocado-egg mixture on bread (optional: toast the bread before putting the avocado-egg mixture on top), and sprinkle paprika on top
  
• There you go -- it's time to eat!

Dinner with Lissa

I'm not big on recipes -- I rarely use them and this is the first time I've actually written one -- nonetheless, here's something I made for dinner tonight.  Let me tell you, it was delicious. So without further adieu, here's my Tree-top Chowder:

Ingredients:
1/3-1/2 cup Chicken shredded
1 cup Broccoli separated
1 cup Cauliflower separated
1 can Cream of Broccoli
2/3 cup Soy milk
1/2 Onion diced
3 cloves Garlic finely chopped
1/8 cup of green, red, and yellow bell pepper each
1 Potato sliced
1 tbsp Olive oil

Salt, Black pepper, Parmesan cheese, and Kraft grated cheese:  garnished to taste

• Cook chicken thoroughly in medium sized pot then shred into small pieces
• Add can of Cream of Broccoli and milk to pot with chicken
• Add half cup of fresh broccoli and cauliflower each
• Let simmer for 20 minutes

• In pan, saute garlic and onions in oil, then add potato slices
• Add remaining broccoli and cauliflower and allow vegetables to saute thoroughly
• Add chopped bell pepper to simmering chowder in pot

•  Dish the sauteed vegetables into bowl, add chowder on top
• Garnish to taste with Parmesan cheese, black pepper, and shredded cheese

Note the different stages: sauteed veggies, chowder added, garnish added :)

Easy and delicious!  I didn't actually add salt to the chowder because there was salt already in the cream of broccoli, and I prefer the natural taste of the veggies.  Of course, every measurement is completely optional!  I never pay much attention to measurements in recipes, especially when it comes to veggies, so feel free to use whatever is in the vegetable drawer (but it wouldn't be a Tree-top Chowder without the broccoli and cauliflower!).

To write about writing

Well it's been over a year since writing on this blog.  One long dry season -- unlike where I live in Thailand since it's raining continuously -- but I do have my reasons.  Partly because I have been so ridiculously busy that I haven't had time to record the happenings of the day, partly because I've had a student repeatedly tell me she stalks me and my blog (and thus I feel a bit unsafe about what I post), and partly because I'm pretty sure I'm the only one that reads this blog, aside from my stalker of course.

Now that I'm done with explaining myself, I'm ready to explore the totally random, and perhaps useless, ramblings that I have become known for.

Sometimes I think my writing is intricately awesome.  Certainly not now, but when I am in my creative zone, I come up with things that are really book-worthy.  But then other times -- times of character description and dialogue -- I look back on what I've written in the past, and I am dissatisfied.  I feel like I am right on the edge of something amazing, but haven't quite figured out how to make it real.  I want to get into the minds of my characters and make them believable and realistic; however, they haven't quite come to life.   It's ridiculously frustrating knowing that my characters are flat and without much personality.  I stress the importance of having realistic characters to my students, and although I consider myself a seasoned writer, I can not reach the writing level I desire.

Oddly enough, I find that the times of inspiration come when I am unable to record them -- in the shower, on my way somewhere (school, church, downtown, etc), or just as I'm drifting off to sleep.  When I do have the time to write, I sit idle in front of my computer with the worst case of writer's block.  At this moment of un-inspiration, writer's block is indeed my companion, and I shall dwell in the depths of despair until it is seen fit that I write again the wonders of my imagination.

3 Simple Truths Expounded

God is divine. Divine.

Today's church service was about 'trinitarian love' (related to the Holy Trinity: God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit), and while I think I may have missed the pastor's major point, ie: how we are shown love by the Holy Trinity, he did cause me to think about a lot of things. The three main things are as follows:

1. God is too big to understand in full with our tiny little human brains.

2. Love keeps no record of wrongs.

3. There's no reason to struggle through life on my own when God is offering me His abundance.

Basic Christianity, right? Yeah, well no matter how many times I read/hear these truths, it only goes as far as my mind and doesn't make it down to my heart. ("I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you." Ps 119:11) You see, I know these facts -- I've spouted them numerous times -- but somehow they never clicked in the way they were buzzing through me during church. The pastor had many analogies to go with #1 and #3, but instead I chose to come up with my own way to connect to these points.

Let me elaborate:
1. I get discouraged when I think about how little I know about the English language. I'm a native speaker after all, so I shouldn't have any trouble dissecting a sentence and teaching the different parts of speech to non-native speakers. But no -- I am constantly looking up grammar rules in the resource books and stumbling over my words while trying to teach. I kinda feel sorry for my little Asian 8th graders who probably are so confused with how grammar works (since there's always an exception) that they're going to fail miserably at 9th grade English. The problem gets even more confusing when I realized that the English language is constantly evolving -- what would have been proper English 50 years ago is outdated, and subsequently updated to fit our current generation's needs/wants. (I'm going to bypass the subject of proper citations completely since they get updated about as often as iTunes). And then I think about the different parts of English -- writing, reading, speaking, presenting, journalism, the historical background of the English language....the list goes on and on -- and I'm almost ready to quit teaching altogether and admit defeat.

But then I think about what I do know about English: I can speak with relative confidence, I know how to write in a grammatically correct fashion, and I can comprehend what I read. Then I think about what I love about English (and why I teach it in the first place): I can create anything with my basic knowledge of the English language and can communicate with others this way. I love writing fiction; therefore, creating worlds out of nothing but a blank computer screen or notebook fascinates me. And what little I know and love, I can share with others, and learn what I don't know along the way.

And so I applied the same idea to Christ -- I can not understand Him fully. No matter how long I try, my mind is incapable of total comprehension of the One who breathed the world into existence. If I could, then would God really be God? Could He really be Incomprehensible, All-Mighty and All-Knowing if I know Him fully? The answer is no. That is why, with tremendous relief, (accompanied by tears), I am able to accept the fact that God is God and I am not. I do not know more than Him. I do not even know a fraction of Him. That's why He will forever remain All-Mighty and All-Knowing. BUT, I will take what I do know about him -- that He is Savior to all who will accept Him unconditionally as such -- and share this awesome fact with others, all the while learning what I don't know along the way.



2. My pride has taken a beating with this truth. Commonly, this little phrase is repeated with the rest of the passage in the 1 Corinthians love chapter where it states that love is patient, kind, non-envious, non-boastful, not proud (oops!), not rude, not self-seeking, doesn't demand its own way, slow to anger, keeps no record of wrongs, rejoices in truth, always protects, trusts, hopes, perseveres, and never fails. (Paraphrased from the NIV passage.)
This whole summer has been spent talking about "Biblical love" at church, and we covered 1 Cor 13 a lot. But then I thought about a past sermon a few weeks back when they talked about if we truly loved one another (friends and non-friends alike), than we wouldn't remember every time someone wronged us, but instead constantly forgive them regardless of whether or not they asked for forgiveness or even knew they wronged you to begin with. My mind started mulling over this idea when I first heard it, but then I was reminded of this passage today and it finally hit home with no small amount of shame and embarrassment.

My name is Lissa Scott, and I have been keeping record of wrongs done to me.

Of all the ridiculous things -- becoming bitter, hurting myself, and becoming so enveloped in me, and how people are inconsiderate toward me. I, who claim to be a child of God, have failed in the one thing He admonished us to do: love. I have even claimed to be a mature Christian of 20 years, and yet one of the most simple of commandments has been the hardest for me to adhere to. I have been self-righteous; I have demanded justice; I have been more sullen this past year than I have in my entire life. My sin caused me to withdraw from others, and I let my sin get in the way of being a witness to others. And I am ashamed.


This feeds into the 3rd and final truth -- my sin has, as stated above, caused me to struggle more than I've ever struggled. Not gonna lie, my life is fairly easy in Thailand (or at least it could have been if I let it). I don't have to worry about my finances, I have a steady job, and I have a huge opportunity to work in the mission field. Sure, I don't speak the language, making new friends is a challenge, and sometimes I get fed up with the city -- but these are opportunities God has given me to grow as a person. He's promised to never give me more than I can handle, but I must admit that I've handled His challenges poorly. So instead of turning to Him FULLY and letting Him handle what my shortcomings cannot; I fought. I struggled so hard to find some semblance of control in my new life in Bangkok.

My personality is such that I like control of my life. I need control over at least a part of what is going on around me. I need to know what's ahead, what the game plan is, what's going to happen next. Spontaneity only works if it's my choice. And for some reason, God created me with these innate tendencies. I still don't know why since it's the proverbial thorn in my side, and God and I fight over control constantly, but He put this strong stubborn streak right through the heart of my being. Instead of fighting against this tendency, however, I want to learn to use it to God's advantage (and therefore my advantage) in life. So after recognizing some of my more obvious shortcomings, I'd like to stop struggling against the sin (and against the despondency the knowledge of my sins creates), and find peace and rest in the knowledge that God can handle my life splendidly if I only let Him. There's the rub isn't it? I have to make the conscious choice to allow Him full reign of my life -- including the bumps in the road that I never foresaw. That is what He asks for from all who claim to follow Him. If we are followers, shouldn't we let Christ be our leader?

Lord, I pray this is just my first step towards allowing you to truly and unconditionally guide my steps -- not only in darkness, but in the light as well.

The New Happy Pants

Anyone who knows me from home knows about my 'happy pants'. These pants are my dad's old sweatpants -- XL black, with the old gray and white stripe down the sides -- and they are ridiculously huge on me. I love them. I love them because they make me feel small. I love them because they remind me of my dad. I love them because they make me feel happy in them because I don't care what I look like when I'm in them.
They're sweatpants. There's no way to look great in them, so I feel completely released from the pressures and feel awesome in them instead.

Well, since I now live in Bangkok, and sweatpants are not only impractical but bulky, I had to find other happy pants. Happy pants Bangkok style: shorts. Nowhere near Oregon happy pants, you may argue, but they do have elastic bands around the waist and, well, the bottom of the legs. In other words, they're like Aladdin shorts. Pure awesomeness.


Okay, not the best shot of the shorts, but they are comfortable enough to sleep in. And lounge in. And exercise in. And.....well you get the idea. I could spend days (literally) in my happy pants back home -- especially in the winter time when sweatpants are quite practical. Now that I'm in an extremely humid country, These light, airy shorts are the perfect alternative from the original 'happy pants'. They are the most comfortable things I own -- aside from my full-blown Aladdin pants.


Don't worry, sweatpants, when I eventually come back to Oregon, you'll be the first thing I wear.


In case you're wondering, I do smile when I sleep. :)
Jokes. We had gone to see a French film outside a museum on Valentines Day and I was plum tuckered out by the end of it. My plan had been to get somewhat dressed up for the night; you can see how far that idea went.

How He Loves

God's love just enthralls me. He simply blows me away with how he chases after us. He makes me feel like the most precious, sought-after bride in the world.
How can I ask for anything more?

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.

When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realize just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all

We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If His grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.

And Heaven meets earth like an unforeseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don't have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way

He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves.

A blue [jean] story

Alright, I have nothing really grand to post. It's already the 3rd here in the Philippines (which I can't believe), so since I'm already late with my New Years resolutions, I might as well post something inconsequential.

I went to church today with my lola since I haven't seen her since Christmas Eve. I wanted to greet the pastor of her church as well since he's become a friend of the family's. Anyway, Lola, being the well-meaning and prompt woman that she is, insisted that we attend church early. By early, I mean we showed up an hour and a half before the service. I was sleepy, bored, and otherwise hungry since I didn't eat breakfast or had my morning coffee.

She brings me to the coffee room where I make myself some really horrible instant coffee (I had no way of measuring out how much I needed so I definitely over-scooped myself). After sitting on the old pew trying to cool my coffee, and allowing my lola to introduce me to all these 'titos' and 'titas' who aren't actually related to me at all; she introduces me to this one older gentleman.

This man then proceeds to spill my scalding hot coffee all over my hand and down my jeans. Not even missing a beat, he barely notices my terse reaction and continues to ask me how I am, how are my parents, and how long I've been visiting in the Philippines so far. Trying to follow the Thai way of doing things, I kept a smile on my face while frantically searching for a napkin, paper towel, or rag to wipe myself down with. After watching me scrub at my jeans with a hankie for a couple minutes, and finally noticing that I've only answered one of his questions, he awkwardly moves on to talk to another older woman. I stand, turn in a full circle, and try to think of something to solve the major problem of the giant stain down the front of my pants.

I am swearing up a storm in my head. I'm not feeling guilty at all that I'm in church since the Tagalog service is still going on and my English swear words mean nothing in Tagalog. I mumbled something to my lola about washing myself in the bathroom and dart off. Just my luck, church hasn't even started and instead of 'Sunday best' I look like I put on jeans that haven't been washed in weeks. I was furious. I tried everything in the bathroom -- water, hand sanitizer, spit -- but it was pointless. I had officially become Filipino trash. The only thing I wasn't wearing from Asian markets was my jeans, but now after coffee splattered everywhere, it might as well have been.

But let's not stop here.

After church Lola suggested I go to the mall to grab some lunch and chill out there for a bit so I don't get bored with hanging out at the house. Good idea. Shopping has always been therapeutic. I walk around everywhere, grab some KFC for the first time that day (yup, I had it for dinner too), and eventually make my way to the clothing shops. It was in the back of my mind to look for jeans, but we all know Pinoys are tiny people who wouldn't have double digit sizes even if they imported them, so I decided to window shop instead.

One shop I wandered into had some tops I was willing to try on, so I slipped behind the curtain disguised as a dressing room only to discover the back of my jeans were ripped. Not just a tiny hole, but an inch-and-a-half gap along the hem of my pocket.

It's just a pocket you say. Not just a pocket. It is a bad omen that these jeans will have to be retired soon. This can't happen. I wear American sizes and I'm stuck in Asia. I'm not going home for another six months. These are my only pair of jeans.

In my distraught state, I bought two blouses.

They won't make up for my precious jeans, but it's a start.

The figure moved stealthily on silent feet; staying close to the outside wall. The stone corner was in sight, simply a matter of a few steps…

“Gabby!”

Gabrielle’s head snapped up, aggravation washing across her face. She let out a frustrated growl and craned her neck to see an adolescent boy sitting atop the thatched roof. “If you’re not careful you’re going to cave in,” she scowled. “In fact, I hope you do. Papa will tan your hide good.”

The young boy laughed and swung his feet lightly as they dangled several feet above Gabby’s head. “You’re not a very good sport at this game. I get you every time.”

“That’s because you’re older. You’ve been playing longer.” She stuck out her tongue in a near pout.

He laughed again. “Not true. Jamie’s even better than you, and you’re older than him. “The point is to be sneaky. And you’re just not good at it.”

“It’s not fair when you climb on top of roofs. You can’t take the advantage like that.”

“Who says?”

“I do,” she threw her hands on her hips, pursing her lips tightly.

“Advantage is there for the taking. There are no rules. It’s all about stealth. It is clear you don’t have any,” he smirked.

“What—”

“Gabby, just admit that I am better than you.”

She crossed her arms tightly and turned away.

“Boys are always better.” He laughed again.

That did it. Gabrielle whirled around, her eyes aflame with fury. She leapt up and reached for his feet, but he jerked them out of her reach. The motion was enough to send him flailing back against the thatched roof.

With a loud crack, his weight sent him crashing through to the dirt floor below. He landed in a cloud of dust on his back.

FIRED

Called to the back room—the manager's office—

and sat down, crossing my legs casually.

Small talk drifted from the other side of the desk.

Customers, the price of fruit, and even the best parking spots for employees.

I try to look him in the eye, but fail.

Two horns and a pig's snout rest atop slouched shoulders.

My polite mask never twitches as I blink.

Horns disappear. A pimpled face once again.

His hand lay dead on the Formica desktop,

curled in an unassuming fist.

A formal meeting instead of a pink slip?

Leaning back, his voice baritoned.

Babbling lies crawled from his mouth like cockroaches.

Late, no customer service, throwing food—

Who in their right mind throws food at customers?

Motionless, a statue in the chair.

Are you that much of an idiot?

His concern evaporated as he smirked.

Lips tightened, forcing myself to swallow the putrid taste

building in my mouth, dammed by teeth.

Finally, the bottom line: “You're fired.”

He was destroyed a thousand times in my mind.

Maimed, mutilated, and tortured every conceivable way.

A smirk carefully hidden behind distress.

Really, I'm heartbroken.

Rising, I mumble, distracted—

I have not yet exhausted my supply of murderous fantasies.

A chair scrapes as he extends a hand.

Are you kidding me?

My back ignores him as I twist the knob into freedom.

He can rule this kingdom where a call for price checks floats above the aisle;

but he can not rule me—

not for $7.25 an hour.