God and I talk. Sometimes I feel like I'm just talking to myself, and other times He is startlingly clear. Tonight was the latter. It went something like this. (As this is a private conversation, some details were changed/removed to protect the privacy of the speakers)
Me: God, I'm afraid.
God: There is no reason to fear.
Me: I know. You've said so a thousand times, but I am still afraid.
God: Of what?
Me: I doubt.
God: Me?
Me: No! I can never doubt you. I doubt myself.
God: Why?
Me: Because I'm afraid my action or inaction will shape my future.
God: I shape your future.
Me: But will I follow through? Will I be able to read your signs for me and follow your direction? I'm afraid I will mess everything up.
God: I have plans to prosper you, and not to harm you.
Me: I know. But it's easier to say, and not so easy to fully understand.
God: Do you trust me.
Me: Of course.
God: Then let me lead.
Me: I don't know how to do that, Lord.
God: Listen to my voice. I will give you all the direction you need when you need it.
Me: But I'm still afraid.
God: Of what, my child?
Me: Of not being able to hear your voice. Of not understanding your plans. Of not being able to wait. What if I do not have the patience you require of me, Lord? Sometimes I terrify myself.
God: Be still, and know that I am God. I will make myself known. You think your life is dependent solely on your actions? Am I not still God? Do I not command the wind and the rains? Do the waters of the deep not hear my voice and still? You think I will be silent to your concerns? To your desires? You are worth far more to me than the oceans and rivers. You are my child.
Me: So what does that me for me now?
God: It means to be still. Be patient. I know that is difficult for you -- I created you with that head-strong spirit after all. You like getting things done and seeing results, but my plan for you is not ready to take affect. My timing is perfect. You will discover this if only you will wait.
Me: God, will I miss my cue? How will I know?
God: Stay focused on Me. And I will make my will known. Trust me, my child. Trust me.
Me: I've waited so long, Lord. I'm afraid I will miss my chance. My patience is wearing thin; I need You to strengthen me. Please, give me contentment in my loneliness. I want only your will in my life.
God: Cast all your cares on Me. It is in your weakness that I am strong.
Me: Am I.......worthy?
God: Of what?
Me: .....of love.
God: Oh, child. You are more than worthy. You are priceless. I bought you with my blood. Is that not worth enough?
Me: It is, Lord, it is. But sometimes I think You can't help but love me. But will I be loved by another? You know me -- I am not one who accepts loneliness cheerfully.
God: Listen to my voice. I will reveal everything in time. Can you trust me? Know that I have your best in mind?
Me: Yes, Lord. It's just so hard sometimes. Sometimes I don't hear your voice, and it frightens me.
God: You know that I will never leave you nor forsake you, right?
Me: Yes.
God: Then trust Me. I love you more than you will ever know. My desire is to flood you with love.
Me: Thank you, Lord. Thank you for mercy despite my unbelief. I constantly need your guidance. Without it I am lost.
God: You have only to listen to my voice. I am always with you.
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