Strike that, I already did. I am finding it easier and easier to lie to students every time I am in the classroom. The question about my age, and then conversely my capabilities as a teacher, come up every time I substitute, so to make things interesting I make up a new story about my past in order to entertain the kiddies.
The latest tale I spun came as an omission of truth. A student asked (quite originally I might add), "how long have you been out of college?" It wasn't the typical "How old are you?" or "Are you old enough to teach?"
I gave him the vague reply, "A very long time." Then followed it up with, "I'm a child genius."
Naturally, they wanted to know how exactly, and if I ever skipped a grade. I told them I never went to middle school. Not quite a lie. I never went to middle school because I was home-schooled until I started high school, so technically, I spoke the truth. The rest of the conversation with various students went like this:
"Wow, can I skip middle school?"
"No I don't think so. It takes a lot of dedication and a lot of test taking."
"So you skipped 6th, 7th, and 8th?"
"Yes ma'am."
"So you went from 5th grade to high school? That means you started high school when you were eleven."
"Technically I was twelve."
They sat in awe.
I felt empowered -- no exhilarated. Oh the things little 13 year olds believe. Thursday is all about the high school kids. If I can convince college kids that you become shorter at the equator (that's another story for another time), then high schoolers should be a breeze.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Sunday, February 14, 2010
When I turn one down...
There's always a lot of questions as to why I am not drinking. I could be a smart ass and ask whether they are referring to that particular time, or the fact that I don't often drink in general. But the truth of the matter is, I have several reasons for not drinking, and all are valid.
1. I'm allergic to alcohol. When I first started drinking three years ago, I thought I simply couldn't hold my liquor. I use the excuse, "I get the Asian flush" and leave it at that most of the time. I HATE the Asian flush. But the truth is, it's just one symptom to my unfortunate allergy.
2. Drinking takes legitimate effort. This is probably because I am allergic to the stuff, but I really have to be in a drinking mood and pump myself up to drink.
3. I hate how foolish I can look when I drink -- especially if it's more than two. Regardless of whether or not people actually judge me (hey, they're drunk too so why should it matter?), I am still very self-conscious and don't want my reputation as a "good, smart girl" to be ruined by me stumbling around or laughing hilariously.
4. For the year of 2010, I am only drinking on twelve occasions, which means I really need to limit myself to those occasions that really warrant a good drink or two. Or three.
5. I hate the way I feel after drinking. The general consensus is that you drink to feel good. Drinking does not make me feel good. In fact, if the way it makes me feel is any clue, then alcohol is definitely not for me. I turn really red, I have a hard time focusing on anything, I'm sure I become chatty and slur my words, after the chattiness subsides, I get very quiet and want to sleep. I'm not a hyper drunk by any means. I am the one who just wants to sit in a corner and be left alone with my pounding headache. I hate the dizziness and the fact that I need to use the bathroom every ten minutes. And people actually want to make themselves feel this way?!? The concept is beyond me.
1. I'm allergic to alcohol. When I first started drinking three years ago, I thought I simply couldn't hold my liquor. I use the excuse, "I get the Asian flush" and leave it at that most of the time. I HATE the Asian flush. But the truth is, it's just one symptom to my unfortunate allergy.
2. Drinking takes legitimate effort. This is probably because I am allergic to the stuff, but I really have to be in a drinking mood and pump myself up to drink.
3. I hate how foolish I can look when I drink -- especially if it's more than two. Regardless of whether or not people actually judge me (hey, they're drunk too so why should it matter?), I am still very self-conscious and don't want my reputation as a "good, smart girl" to be ruined by me stumbling around or laughing hilariously.
4. For the year of 2010, I am only drinking on twelve occasions, which means I really need to limit myself to those occasions that really warrant a good drink or two. Or three.
5. I hate the way I feel after drinking. The general consensus is that you drink to feel good. Drinking does not make me feel good. In fact, if the way it makes me feel is any clue, then alcohol is definitely not for me. I turn really red, I have a hard time focusing on anything, I'm sure I become chatty and slur my words, after the chattiness subsides, I get very quiet and want to sleep. I'm not a hyper drunk by any means. I am the one who just wants to sit in a corner and be left alone with my pounding headache. I hate the dizziness and the fact that I need to use the bathroom every ten minutes. And people actually want to make themselves feel this way?!? The concept is beyond me.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Airlie 7
To keep myself accountable to one of my New Years resolutions, I decided to record every drinking event of the year for you to see. As you recall, one of the things on my list is to only drink on twelve occasions this entire year. I'm not a big drinker, so keeping the stints down to twelve is going to be a breeze (not to mention healthier).
On Wednesday, February 10, I had my first drink of the year during my first visit to The Crush with some friends. I was pleasantly surprised with the new wine bar in town -- not only were the owners personal and friendly, but the classy ambiance was definitely top notch. As much as I admired the brick walls and naked lady pictures on them, it was really the company that made the evening more than enjoyable. Although the occasion wasn't particularly "special," I was proud to make that my first drink of the year. After a taste of the 7, recommended by a new acquaintance, I promptly asked for a full glass of Airlie 7. I didn't think I was much of a white wine drinker, but since I like 'em sweet, I trusted the connoisseur at the table and was not disappointed with the 7.
Good evening -- having a glass of wine with friends and new acquaintances, learning about each other, and discussing the finer points of Oregon wine, rugby, and Idaho. I'd say it was a success. I felt like I was in the middle crowd though, with three people people a good ten years older than me, and the other three still in their undergrad. Is this what limbo is like? No matter, I enjoyed my 7, enjoyed the brick walls, and most of all, enjoyed the company.
On Wednesday, February 10, I had my first drink of the year during my first visit to The Crush with some friends. I was pleasantly surprised with the new wine bar in town -- not only were the owners personal and friendly, but the classy ambiance was definitely top notch. As much as I admired the brick walls and naked lady pictures on them, it was really the company that made the evening more than enjoyable. Although the occasion wasn't particularly "special," I was proud to make that my first drink of the year. After a taste of the 7, recommended by a new acquaintance, I promptly asked for a full glass of Airlie 7. I didn't think I was much of a white wine drinker, but since I like 'em sweet, I trusted the connoisseur at the table and was not disappointed with the 7.
Good evening -- having a glass of wine with friends and new acquaintances, learning about each other, and discussing the finer points of Oregon wine, rugby, and Idaho. I'd say it was a success. I felt like I was in the middle crowd though, with three people people a good ten years older than me, and the other three still in their undergrad. Is this what limbo is like? No matter, I enjoyed my 7, enjoyed the brick walls, and most of all, enjoyed the company.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Bucket List
Everyone needs goals. I just happen to have 101 of them.
1. Live in Europe for over a year and visit all the countries
2. Visit Greece and sail to the islands
3. Go on a Mediterranean cruise (for my honeymoon)
4. Exercise regularly (4 times a week) for one year
5. Hitchhike over 100 miles
6. Go on another Greyhound adventure
7. Publish a book
8. Get on New York’s best sellers list
9. Go scuba diving
10. Get my ear pierced again
11. Learn how to surf real waves
12. Swim under a waterfall
13. Audition for an off-Broadway musical
14. Learn how to play the guitar
15. Backpack through Europe
16. Visit Prince Edward Island—see the places of Anne of Avonlea
17. Go horseback riding on a beach
18. Visit Australia
19. Swim with manatees
20. Teach a college English/Writing class
21. Dance in the rain
22. Get proposed to in a very creative, romantic way
23. Marry the man of my dreams
24. Have 7 children: 3 biological, 4 international adoption
25. See a musical on Broadway in New York
26. Develop an accent (other than American) naturally
27. Stay up all night with a stranger
28. Sleep in a train station
29. Work in a publishing firm
30. See Jared Seachris again
31. Skinny dip with husband in a mountain lake
32. Race a car without fear of being pulled over.
33. Design and buy a 4-door Mini Cooper
34. Sleep on the streets like a hobo
35. Learn Tagalong
36. Get Lasik eye surgery
37. Get laser hair removal in my armpits
38. Volunteer in an orphanage
39. Run through a field of flowers
40. Buy a professional camera and take pictures for enjoyment
41. Meet Michael Buble
42. Get a medi/pedi and a complete spa treatment
43. Attend a world cup soccer game
44. Attend a world cup rugby game
45. Get serenaded in a romantic way
46. Play Aravis in the “Horse and His Boy” film
47. Manage a homeless shelter/rec hall/youth center
48. Have my first child by the time I’m 30
49. Take a boat ride through the Indian Ocean
50. Travel the Middle East and dress like the women
51. Visit Egypt
52. Attend a southern Baptist black church
53. Visit Mount Rushmore
54. Work in a DoDDs school
55. Learn how to fence
56. Take a spontaneous vacation somewhere
57. Go rock climbing up a real cliff
58. Learn to fly a plane
59. Get pulled by a dog sled in Alaska
60. Marry royalty from another country (preferably England)
61. Wax my legs (eek!)
62. Cry my way out of a ticket
63. Sleep on a roof or barn
64. Design and own my own home
65. Be debt free in 6 years (starting 2010)
66. Live on a ranch
67. Sing in a jazz club back east
68. Try blue/green contacts
69. Kiss a stranger
70. Take professional voice lessons
71. Sew a quilt out of old sports/school shirts
72. Design/make my own dress
73. Find the Lochness Monster
74. Take ballroom dance lessons
75. Punch someone in the face – legitimately
76. Make my own decorative furniture
77. Finish scrapbooking Europe pictures
78. Go on a real first date
79. Spend a week “blind” and learn Braille
80. Ahem....have a personal and private experience.
81. Be the “cool” mom for my children
82. Learn how to play the harp
83. Own a spirited horse
84. Do Camp Adventure again
85. Be a recreational/outdoors guide
86. Lead someone to Christ
87. Road trip through all 49 states (excluding Hawaii)
88. Ride a trolley
89. Go on a safari and ride an elephant
90. Visit South Africa to observe culture
91. Live in downtown above shops
92. Go to the Love Parade
93. Visit India and go to a monastery
94. Pretend to be pregnant for as long as I can with strangers
95. Go up in a hot air balloon
96. Tour a southern plantation
97. Spend a full 24/48 hours in jail
98. Climb a coconut tree and pick a coconut
99. Write letters more
100. Do a professional photo shoot
101. Obtain a magical power
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Functions never to attend as a single woman:
This short list was inspired by a little 2-year-old's birthday, and will continue to grow with the awkward experiences I will have for the rest of my life -- because, let's face it, I am destined to be a perpetual bachelorette.
Social functions never to attend as a single woman:
1. Little children's birthday parties. I wrote extensively on this event, so check a few posts back and you'll get the full scoop. Basically, I ended up being the ONLY single person there who was not an immediate relative and did not have a wee baby of their own.
2. Male birthday parties. Not so bad you say, but when every other invitee is also male; as a female, I started to feel out of place real quick. I can only acquaint it to being the only woman at a bachelor party where I am neither the stripper nor the sexy bartender. Double whammy here: every guy present was in a serious relationship. It was a lose-lose situation from the start. Why was I even invited? Well according to the birthday boy, I am "kinda like a guy anyway, so don't worry about it." Why was I even compelled to go? Because I am an idiot of a woman, and thought it'd be fine since we were good friends and I thought I'd know all the guys there, so it'd be like a mini-reunion. I was wrong.
3. Superbowl parties. This was a surprise to me too; usually Superbowl parties are chock full of every kind of person, not to mention a room full of all your buddies. Well leave it to me to stumble upon the only party that was almost exclusively couples. I was with some of my friends watching the boring game and started feeling out of place (don't ask me why). Since I knew another friend was having a Superbowl party, I decided to do a little hopping and see what was happening in his neck of the woods. Big mistake. One that could not be corrected. You see, the moment I walked in, I spotted three couples squished on a couch and recliner. I peer around the corner and see two more couples on a couch. The lone single guy was sprawled out on his own couch, and was the only obvious place to sit. I greet the room at large, greet the host and the only two other men I know, and hurry to the "singles couch". Well it was too late to make up an excuse and dart out to the safety of my car, so I had to sit through over a quarter of the game until it mercifully ended with the win going to the Saints. (Anyone see irony in that?) Needless to say, I felt out of place -- not only because I felt like I was intruding on a party that was in full swing, but because I left a good foot of space between me and the only other guy on the couch and DID NOT have my hands all over someone. Seriously, if I become one of those touchy, clingy couple, then you have my permission to slap me across the face.
Social functions never to attend as a single woman:
1. Little children's birthday parties. I wrote extensively on this event, so check a few posts back and you'll get the full scoop. Basically, I ended up being the ONLY single person there who was not an immediate relative and did not have a wee baby of their own.
2. Male birthday parties. Not so bad you say, but when every other invitee is also male; as a female, I started to feel out of place real quick. I can only acquaint it to being the only woman at a bachelor party where I am neither the stripper nor the sexy bartender. Double whammy here: every guy present was in a serious relationship. It was a lose-lose situation from the start. Why was I even invited? Well according to the birthday boy, I am "kinda like a guy anyway, so don't worry about it." Why was I even compelled to go? Because I am an idiot of a woman, and thought it'd be fine since we were good friends and I thought I'd know all the guys there, so it'd be like a mini-reunion. I was wrong.
3. Superbowl parties. This was a surprise to me too; usually Superbowl parties are chock full of every kind of person, not to mention a room full of all your buddies. Well leave it to me to stumble upon the only party that was almost exclusively couples. I was with some of my friends watching the boring game and started feeling out of place (don't ask me why). Since I knew another friend was having a Superbowl party, I decided to do a little hopping and see what was happening in his neck of the woods. Big mistake. One that could not be corrected. You see, the moment I walked in, I spotted three couples squished on a couch and recliner. I peer around the corner and see two more couples on a couch. The lone single guy was sprawled out on his own couch, and was the only obvious place to sit. I greet the room at large, greet the host and the only two other men I know, and hurry to the "singles couch". Well it was too late to make up an excuse and dart out to the safety of my car, so I had to sit through over a quarter of the game until it mercifully ended with the win going to the Saints. (Anyone see irony in that?) Needless to say, I felt out of place -- not only because I felt like I was intruding on a party that was in full swing, but because I left a good foot of space between me and the only other guy on the couch and DID NOT have my hands all over someone. Seriously, if I become one of those touchy, clingy couple, then you have my permission to slap me across the face.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Oh me of little faith
This is really a formal apology to God. I know it doesn't make any difference to Him if it's done privately or for all the world to see, but it is such a great lesson, I thought I'd share it with the rest of you as well. You see, last night I was nearly having an anxiety attack because I felt so much pressure from several people (including myself) to get a substituting job. As if I haven't been working hard enough trying to make connections with schools in order to secure said jobs (which I have. I swear.) Anyway, with all the stress surmounting, I cried out to God for peace. That was all I wanted -- peace -- and the knowledge that I was doing the right thing by staying here in Monmouth.
Well guess what? God granted me that peace and the very sign I was looking for: a sub job for today. All day. Which means I'll be $150 richer (give or take whatever the government steals from me in taxes). I got the call bright and early to take over a former colleague's English class for the day.
God, I am sorry I ever doubted you. I know you promised to take care of your children and I had nothing to be worried about. I know you didn't need to prove yourself to me, but you did. For that I say thank you. Grant me humility and carry me when I am weak. You are great. Thanks.
Amen.
Well guess what? God granted me that peace and the very sign I was looking for: a sub job for today. All day. Which means I'll be $150 richer (give or take whatever the government steals from me in taxes). I got the call bright and early to take over a former colleague's English class for the day.
God, I am sorry I ever doubted you. I know you promised to take care of your children and I had nothing to be worried about. I know you didn't need to prove yourself to me, but you did. For that I say thank you. Grant me humility and carry me when I am weak. You are great. Thanks.
Amen.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
I'm not sure how I got as far I have. You see, I started this blog as a way to explore some creative writing techniques and keep my writing from going rusty. Now it has turned into a digital journal that anyone and their mom can read if they truly wanted to. I wanted this to be (slightly) professional and insightful -- something I can continue to use even after I become a published author. Alas, I fear I will need to start afresh if I ever want to be taken seriously again. This little venting blog has become sadly unprofessional. Therefore, I will strive to improve my writing and post things worth reading about.
End scene.
End scene.
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